The Hater

RCN

I fucking hate you, you stupid worthless cable provider. The next time I call only to get bounced around from department to department, only to be informed that oh, OOPS, you can't pay your bill online because the website has an undetermined problem with an undetermined solution, I will take my cable box and modem and hurl them at the customer service location that is equally a piece of shit.

Any suggestions on cable/phone/internet companies?

Shaven.

Joanne, this one's for you. Can't believe you picked up my new blog! :)

I bit the bullet and had the cats professionally trimmed. Samson's fat flaps are more prominent now, much to my delight. He looks like a cross between a bat, plucked dead chicken, and a pig.

Let's take a look at before:

Hee hee hee!

Speaking of awesome things, here is a video from earlier this evening starring the vocalist from a certain band called Bicycle Tricycle, Bi Tri for short:

Awesome. I spent 19 of the last 24 hours asleep and when I was awake shit like this was happening. Best day ever? Possibly, though it would be hard to best the Sunday I spent at the Hard Rock Hotel Las Vegas pool. That is hands-down the best day of my whole 27 years. I might expound more later.

I realize this is a blog about hating, but it's hard to be hateful when you love your friends and it's 75 degrees and thundering outside. I also realize that I always say I'll be more consistent with the posting, but this time I mean it. I need to be nicer at work and the only way that can happen is by letting out the aggression in other forms.

Sunday Funday

See that bit of pink? That's my arm, which is locked in place because Pixie's legs are curled around it. Obviously I don't mind one bit.

Is Bad Breath Tribal?

Samson only has about four teeth left, and this is what they look like. I took the cats to the vet on Monday and Pixie got a clean bill of health, which promptly made her puke from the excitement. Samson, on the other hand, had to be scheduled for a dental cleaning. If he were a human he'd be the stinky fat kid in your seventh grade English class who ends up moving to Belgium and eating chocolate all day long.

 

Yesterday my friend Lizzie came to see me at work, and we took to enhancing her summer wardrobe, which got me thinking about my favorite trends for the Spring season. "Tribal" is huge, and its best representation is achieved in this dress by Velvet:

The pic doesn't do it justice, because this is a rich green print on silk. The beading at the straps alternates between blue, silver, and red and it's the perfect embellishment - unusual but not obnoxious. Because here's, for example, "tribal" gone wrong:

On a gray mannequin it looks simple, but add a normal skin tone, hair, makeup, etc. and this dress is one of those dumb posters that were so hip in the 90s. You know, the ones that looked like bad tie-dye supposedly if you stared at it long enough you saw the image of an object? (Sidenote: I never saw anything and I think that whole thing was a gag started by a hippie who couldn't sell shit out of his Natural Healing crystal and Grateful Dead memorabilia shop at the mall.) This dress is shapeless and sensory diarrhea overload. To do "tribal" right you need a cleaner line and elegant beadwork, like the Velvet dress. If you look closely you'll see that the neckline embellishment on this Nandini dress comes to some silver junk at the point of the V. Too much.

Also: "tribal"? Seriously? No one thought about a better name for this trend? What does it even mean? The fashion industry may just as well called it "Ethnic." Shopbop.com calls it "World Traveler." What is the imagery being invoked here? Are we supposed to think of African bushmen or Shawnee Indians? Either way it's insulting.  I don't see Zulu village or Great Plains Indian in either of these dresses. Why don't we call anything with sequins "Drag Queen" or long sleeves "Muslim" ? Oh right, 'cause it's offensive.

Never Really Gone

I realize it's been well over four months since my last post, so here's a brief recap of my absence:

 - got a real job
 - cats pooped normally
 - got caught in some bizarre relationships
 - had some moles removed

There, now we're all square.

This blog is getting retooled bit; dedicated former Did Samson Poo readers will notice that said blog is no longer active; I've decided to make this site my one-stop shop for all things me-related, which includes but is of course not limited to feline news, creative writing, job updating, and of course, what I do best, hating. It's just that hating all the time gets pretty tedious, so while this will continue to be The Hater, written by a hater, the subject matter of this url is all-encompassing. Enjoy it. Or don't, I don't really give a shit cuz I hate you.

Random Love: Obama

Speaks for itself.

I've been pretty loverly lately, which makes me want to throw up. I think the streak is over and I'll be back to regular posting tomorrow.

Cosmopolitan Magazine.

When I saw this in the grocery checkout line, I immediately wanted to set fire to it. There are so many things wrong with this cover that I had to buy the magazine so I could read just how awful the interior is too.

Problem #1: "5 Times U Shouldn't Text Him"
                 A magazine that claims to target twentysomething women is, in my opinion, insulting our intelligence with that shit. First off, it's "you." Secondly, the 5 Times include: When you're drunk and When you've already texted him that day. Excuse me, but fucking duh. If you've made it to your twenties and still need a magazine to explain to you that texting etiquette is the same as calling etiquette, then you should be fired from the human race.

Problem #2: "Am I Normal down there?"
                 Uh, if your gyno hasn't asked you to be a case study for New England Journal of Freaky Vaginas, then my guess is yes, you're normal. Flipping to the article, it turns out the "am I normal" questions are really: "Am I Tight Enough?" and "Sometimes Pee Slips Out While I Climax." Like, Bitch can you feel your man's penis inside you? Because if not then yes, you're a gaping Bear With Wide Canyon and you need to figure out how to work around it. Do you really need a magazine to tell you if you're tight enough? How awesome would it be if Cosmo was like, "roll us up, stick us up there, and if you can get us halfway in you're either had sextuplets or you're a slut." As for the pee question, it's not urine it's female ejaculate. You're a squirter, some people (like me) think that's kind of gross, some people are into it. Consider a career in porn.

Problem #3: "A Cougar Stole My Man"
                     What. The. Fuck. Am I supposed to believe this is a new epidemic? And no, not actual cougars - the older women who fuck younger dudes to feel good about themselves. This article is full of anecdotes like, "My boyfriend's mother's best friend was always hanging around...and then she fucked my boyfriend!!!" I've never had a cougar stole my man so I guess I should be sympathetic...although let's call this article by its actual name: "I want to blame my man's invented fascination with older women for his cheating ways, rather than admit that he's just an asshole or I just wasn't right for him."

Problem #4: "Lose Weight While You Eat: 10 Foods That Actually Burn Calories!"
                    Speaks for itself, I think.

Problem #5: Lauren Conrad "Answers Her Haters"
                   First of all, check out her airbrushed chest. That's seriously at least a cup size larger than she really is, and why? Oh...just 'cause. Secondly, do people care enough about Lauren Conrad to hate her? Sure, she's on a perplexingly popular reality show about vapid materialism and sex tapes (or something) and she has a clothing line that's basically overpriced jersey dresses that someone else probably draped for her and she designed the Emmy girls' dresses and they were magnificently boring, but is that reason to hate her? Like her designs, she is just kind of boring with good hair extensions. So nevertheless I was a little curious about what she had to say to her haters that I didn't know existed. Are you ready? She said, "you can't be worried about people watching you...Even if people are rude, at least they are talking about [her fashion line]...It would be silly to complain, because then we'd be on a show nobody watched." DAY-UM!!!! Way to be harsh, Lauren. That was not at all...boring.

I feel so dirty and cheap for buying Cosmo, even if it was to make fun of it. I have nothing against the women who wish they were Samantha from Sex and the City and try all the 75 tricks for nights when you want to be just a little naughtier, but pretty please Cosmo, can you sell your product with an opaque wrapping or something, so I don't have to be reminded that the majority of people my age are apparently struggling with the diameter of their vagina and dying to know what Lauren Conrad has to say?

Old Body Piercings.

When I was young and eager to assert my individuality by doing what everyone else was doing too, I had my nose and bellybutton pierced.

I chose piercing over tattoos because I figured if I ever got sick of them, I could just take them out and the holes would close up.  Well, naturally (although they were super cute!!!) I tired of both the nose and the bellybutton adornments. I was always banging my nose and it would hurt like a mother, and once everybody had a bellybutton ring I was like, ew I am so tired of this thing on my stomach.

Side note: bellybutton rings are supposed to be sexy, but could there be any less sexy of a name for bellybutton? We really need to come up with a better term for that thing, because bellybutton and umbilical cord scar are both terrible.

It's been about six years since I took out my nose pierce and four for the bellybutton; not only are both holes still there and closed up, but my bellybutton one just got infected. Gross. At this point I'd be happy with even just a scar instead of these two unpluggable gaps in my body.

Guest Hate: Halloween.

Here at Casa de Hate we are always eager to hear about what really bunches the panties of our respected peers. Today's guest poster is our good friend LG, who, when she is not espousing great distaste for slutty coeds in hooker costumes and apples with razorblades in them, can be found over at DESIGNwatcher making the world a more aesthetic and beautiful place.

I hate Halloween for one major reason.

It's cheap.

Yes, cheap in an awful latex/plastic/made-in-China way. The decor is all drugstore junk, like synthetic cobwebs draped around doors and fences on the street. There is already tons of it and it's only the first week of October. And in a few days it will rain on that crap. wet leaves and dirt will stick to it and dogs will piss on it. That's a guaranteed 3 weeks minimum of garbage smelling like dog piss on the street that we all have to walk by and look at. What's even worse is people leave this shit outside until about December 15th. So for the whole freaking Fall season, a season which is supposed to be beautiful and crisp, there's rotting gourds and squash that smell like sulfur and cheap orange ghost and graveyard shit bought from Walgreens sitting out on the street. What is all this for? To please a hyper-active 7 year old Ninja who has Milky Way residue all over the outiside of his mouth? COME ON!

You know what else is cheap? The costumes. The kids all have the same nylon costume of whatever TV show action figure is popular—fine, I can't hold it against them or their exhausted parents for not being able to sew or have imaginiation--but adults (young adults?)--this is what pisses me off: women ages 17-35 all DRESS LIKE WHORES, SLUTS and TRAMPS, pretending to be a school girl, sleeping beauty, beer wench, cat woman, and I'm sure this year will have a large showing of slutty Sarah Palins. It's old and so so so so boring. You obviously want to dress like a hooker, why wait for just one day a year? And guys ages 17-35 latch on to whatever YouTube sensation is hot at the moment, how many "Dicks in Boxes" did I see last year? At least 5.

Let's see if we can't class it up this year, just a little. Or at least I beg of you to take down your ugly decorations by the first week in November. PLEASE!

Random Love: Chicago Fall.

Specifically, the air in Chicago during Fall.

This last week it's finally started to cool down and the leaves are turning. Fall in Chicago is damp and crisp and it reminds me of raking all the leaves into a big pile and jumping in it when I was a kid.

The last time I raked leaves was when I was living with my (now ex-) boyfriend at his parents' house three years ago. That just made me miss my childhood leaf-rakings more because his backyard, though covered in leaves, is also covered in dog shit. Just not the same.

So Fall always makes me nostalgic. Fall in Chicago, that is - Fall in L.A., the other U.S. city I've spent multiple years in, barely exists and doesn't have that clean yet wet smell.